Rob Maher
It Takes A Village
© 2005 www.robmaher.com (634479345807)
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Stand up comedy you can make love to.
tracks
- 1 Opening Banter
- 2 Movies
- 3 Women Drivers
- 4 Fast Food / Atkins
- 5 Bus Stop / Home School
- 6 I Wish I Was a Black Guy
- 7 Cell Phones
- 8 He's Just Compensating
- 9 Condoms / Paula Abdul / Dog Years
- 10 Marriage Proposals
- 11 Lifetime Channel
- 12 It Takes A Village
- 13 Vibrators
- 14 Drinking
- 15 Cleavage
- 16 Equal Rights
- 17 Real Sex
- 18 Everything Happens For a Reason
- 19 Porno
- 20 Friend Zone
- 21 Making Love or Having Sex
- 22 Cocksure
- 23 More Atkins / Chicken Tenders
- 24 I Have No Money
- 25 Fraudulent Charges
- 26 Instant Messaging
- 27 Stop Forwarding
- 28 Fear of Commitment
- 29 Just Listen
- 30 The Gay Bit
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By Location
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notes
Rob started his comedy career in Tysons Corner, Virginia. He quickly became the greatest comedian of all time. It wasn’t long before his humor was curing cancer, impregnating infertile woman and feeding the homeless. If you think Brian Regan’s funny, you’re right. Rob’s act is the perfect marriage of sex and love. It’s hot, unadulterated and intense yet sensitive, caring and unconditional. Rob’s stage presence alone will get him into heaven. His unique insights often convince the police to look the other way. Which one doesn’t fit? The invention of the wheel, the Berlin Wall being torn down, Rob Maher’s bit on abortion or Neil Armstrong stepping foot on the moon? If you said the Berlin Wall being torn down, you’re right. He loves animals. Rob is a firm believer that “no” means “yes” and pepper spray means “do me harder.” Rob Maher’s act is a good book, a glass of single malt scotch, a comfortable pillow, a secluded stall in an adult bookstore, a Jimi Hendrix solo, a scene from Apocalypse Now, a pay per view prison riot and the sun setting over the ocean. It’s everything you ever wanted or needed. So buy Rob Maher's new CD, "It Takes A Village." Buy copies for your entire family. You earned it. You deserve it. Do the right thing. Thank you.
Here's a couple of my recent blogs. Enjoy.
The Small Penis Theory
Fellas, always tell a girl you have a small penis. Whether your packing 4 inches or 12 inches, always say you have a small one. There are several reasons for this. First of all, if you tell a girl your huge down there she probably won’t believe you. She figures every guy says that. Its in one ear and out the other. But by saying your small, this peaks her interest because no guy claims that. Now she’s wondering about your penis. She’s asking herself questions. “Why would he say he has a small penis? Does he really have a small penis? Maybe he has a huge penis and he’s just saying it’s small. Maybe it is small but he just has enough confidence in himself that he doesn’t care that it’s small. Maybe he thinks its small but it’s really average.” Now she’s got your penis on your mind and that’s a good thing. She’s curious about your penis. This doesn’t mean she’s going to do you just to find out but it does help your chances, which brings us to the best part of this little theory.
Let’s say you do end up hooking up with this girl who you’ve told you’re small. Whether you are in actuality small, medium or large down there, you end up like a champ regardless. Lets say you’re a little on the small side. You go to have sex and she sees that you are in fact lacking. She’s now saying to herself, “Oh my God he is small. He wasn’t lying. He was completely honest with me. Honesty is sexy. I love a guy who’s honest. He was upfront with me the whole time. No games, no bullshit. And he had the confidence to admit he had a small penis. He didn’t care that I knew that for he knows he has so much more to offer. That’s so sexy. I’m going to go and fuck the shit out of this small penis.” Brilliant. Score one for the small guy.
Let’s say your Johnny average. She’s expecting a small penis but when she sees your Mr. Medium she’s pleasantly surprised. It’s always a good thing whenever you end up being larger than what the girl expects. She sees it and she’s like, “ He’s not small at all. There’s nothing wrong with his penis. It’s a perfectly respectable penis. I bet some dumb bitch of an ex girlfriend told this poor guy he was tiny and he’s had to live his whole life thinking that. Poor guy. Women can be so cruel sometimes. All this guy needs is a little confidence. I bet I can get him to come out of his shell. I’m going to go and fuck the shit out of this medium penis.” Brilliant. Score one for the average guy.
Let’s say your packing some extra down there. She’s going to see it and be all, “ Wow, its fucking huge! This guy was just messing with me the whole time. He knew he was hung. He’s got the confidence to say he’s small because he knows what he’s really got. That’s hot. He so surprised me. I love surprises. This guy keeps me on my toes. I don’t know what he’s going to do next. It’s an adventure being with him. I’m going to go and fuck the shit out of this giant penis.” Brilliant. Score one for Mr.Big.
So ladies, for the record, I have an incredibly small penis. I’m hung like a seahorse. Call me.
Wham, Bam....
I’m not very good in bed. Actually, it’s not that I’m not good, its that I don’t last that long. It’s OK when you’re 17. “Oh, you only lasted 3 minutes. Isn’t that cute.” Well, it’s not cute anymore. This is a problem every guy has at first. I don’t think women realize how tough it is for us guys when we first start having sex. At that age, all we think about is sex but when we first start having sex all we’re told to help us last longer is to think about something else, like baseball or whatever. My mind is like sex, sex, sex and then finally I’m having sex and suddenly its “ Will Cal Ripken ever get hurt? Die Hard is a great movie. I wonder if the A-Team is on tonight.” So the only time we’re not thinking about sex is when we’re having sex. It’s very confusing. It got to the point that I was thinking about sex so much that I couldn’t concentrate on anything else. I was having sex just so my mind could think about other things. I was having sex just so I could get shit done. I’ve got a book report to do. Whose gonna do me? I need to study for my Spanish test. I need a blow job! But after a while that stops working. I’m still finishing quickly, I’m just thinking about weird shit when I do. I’m climaxing thinking about algebra. I solved for X and X = 3 minutes. X = disappointment. X = I’ll never see her naked again. Wham, Bam, I’m sorry Mam.
This all brings us to today, 500 satisfied women later give or take 493 women and satisfied. Rather than go through the trouble of actually lasting longer, now I just spin my sexual efficiency a little better. Allow me to explain. I last three minutes, girl is bitter. I tell girl I would last longer but I’m so attracted to you. I think you’re so hot. I love your smile, your eyes, everything about you. I think you’re the most wonderful, special girl I’ve ever met. You’re intelligent, funny, honest, sweet, caring and simply amazing. Everything about you turns me on. I can’t imagine lasting any longer because of how much you turn me on. Girl says, “Wow, are you really that turned on by me?” I say, “Of course baby. What, do I think I’m 17 or something?” Girl says, “But my last boyfriend could go all night.” I say, “Well, he didn’t love you like I do. He thought you were fat.” Now girl is excited and turned on by how quick I am with her. She’s actually trying to make me finish quicker. If I get real drunk one night and make it to 5 minutes girl thinks something’s wrong. “Am I getting fat? Do you not love me anymore? Is there someone else?” Now I’m buying girl flowers. “I’m sorry for almost satisfying you baby. It will never happen again. Love, Johnny Come Early.” Wham, Bam, Your Welcome Mam!
Now ladies, if you’re reading this thinking that bullshit would never work on me, there’s only one way to find out. And if there happen to be any women out there that would’ve considered having sex with me but now won’t after having read about my lack of stamina, well, don’t believe everything you read on the Internet. God Speed.
reviews
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This is laugh out loud funny stuff!
author: Marla GeikoThis is a great example of a well done stand-up comedy CD! Usually when comics “play” with the audience, it does not convey well on CD. This guy is SO good at it that you can almost see the people he's messing with. Such great interaction with the audience combined with fantastic material... I can't wait to see him in person! Very impressive!